For Sarah

By Ari

Four months have gone by since Sarah's passing. The following words were composed over that period of time, a time that has been extremely difficult for all of us. We continue to remember Sarah and in that spirit of rememberance, I offer these words:

These are tear stained words on soaked pages. Anyone who was blessed to have known Sarah Anne Goff would understand that. How could it be any different? For just shy of 24 years her spirit lit our world. For many of us, it will continue to for as long as her memory endures. An enduring spirit is one of the many gifts Sarah gives us. I am able to recall a vulnerability that was almost impossibly reconciled with a kindness that has never before been seen by me. I fear selling her short, which would be easy to do, but, I do not wish to mythologize her either; the battle is in finding the truth that lies in the middle.

The middle is where most of us live our lives, it is mundane, routine, and for the most part, not extraordinary. Sarah is not very different from us in that way. She woke up, went to work, spent time in class, and had a rich life filled with the people she most closely touched. What makes her special is that she made the ordinary extraordinary. She loved those in her life so intensely that the most cynical of us would have called her foolish. Foolish for always believing in the good in people and discounting the bad. Those of us that miss her the most undoubtedly feel the absence of the gift of love that she possessed, preserved, and shared freely.

It would be remiss to speak of her incredible internal beauty without mentioning her stunningly attractive physical features. Her looks will forever be preserved in photos, on tape, the internet, and our minds, but, she was no ordinary looking woman. Sarah is unique, and I will never again catch her in my eye walking down the street. I will never mistake someone else for Sarah, Sarah is one of a kind.

I deal with the pain of her loss all day everyday. Her impact is that deep in me. The void that her loss leaves in us will never be filled. It has been my belief that we too will never heal; But this is at best a half truth. No, we will never experience her embrace, or cherish the childlike wonderment of her smile. The things we won't experience are both devastating and innumerable. When thinking only of what we won't have, life itself becomes intolerable. Sarah may have at times felt this kind of despair. Like us now, she may have envisioned giving up. Most of us, in our darkest moments have considered such drastic measures, it is only human. Her pain, like ours, is most intense in the dark, it dies in the light of exposure. Some may think that Sarah let go. That in the final analysis she chose to give up on her suffering and travel on alone. I want to take Sarah from the darkness back into the light where she did so much for so many. This is how she deserves to be remembered.

Life, like so many things is spectral in nature. Sarah waxed and she waned. she had great joy and also tremendous sadness. She encompassed a gamut of emotions unique to all people. She is the consummate expression of the duality that is found in all humankind.Her passing was not a choice she made to abandon herself or those she loved. It could not have been, she still had too much she wanted to accomplish. When she went to sleep, she intended to wake up. She simply had too much to do and too much love to give.My fear is not that she gave up on living and loving, but, that some deep part of her felt unlovable . My one regret is not in losing this amazing person, but, that this beautiful person may not have known what a blessing she was to those who miss her so dearly.

ARI