outside there are teenage boys and girls...."playing." what is that word for what they are doing? was it ever "playing?" i remember boys hurting me, not just pulling my hair- holding me down, spitting in my mouth, pushing me, putting their dicks on my lunch tray, hurting me. then we were told it was because they liked us. if i hear a mother say this to a daughter i will scream, shapeshift, snatch her up (the daughter) and run. mothers, why did you ever say this terrible thing? mothers, who mothered you when you were daughters and your mothers were fucked already? why did you ever teach us to equate affection with abuse?
outside my window the boys and girls "play" and i hear the boys with all their power of unassaulted embodiment and childhood- their sports and videogames and commradarie combined with the weightlessness of their unchanging, thin, lean bodies and I hear the girls heavy with makeup and fuck me way to early clothes and obliterated self esteem, their painfully growing bodies giving them up already to the lions of hungry sick men before their brains are even done dressing their barbies- the hypersexualization. the father who no longer takes you into his arms, but instead stares at you nervously and averts his eyes- you are now a shame, a something unsaid.
inside i am squeezing my fists so tightly my palms are bleeding from the way my lover just talked to me and i hear the boys hurting and abusing the girls and the girls are nervous laughing and pretending to like it. they keep trying to kiss ass because.... why? why did we ever do this? they were always boring and gross compared to the amazing things we were doing on our own. why did we ever try?
i tried to find a word for the specific crazy your self-actualization and joy and innocence gets lost in when you're on the wrong side of the Power Body- when you're the Other. When you're the color to white or the girl to boy or the gay to straight or the tranny to the bio and I cannot find a word. I search "men make women crazy" and find eharmony articles about "Ask A Man! Ten Things That Annoy Him!" Or "What Drives Men Nuts About Women!" And the things listed- just the way women are when we are existing in a culture of fear and rape and insecurity and memories of monsters creeping their leperous hands through the crib of our first dream. I could scream. Where is the compassion? The awareness? The god damned "sorry, that must have fucking sucked." The imagination to see one splinter of that pain. Nowhere- just songs in every store where a man is taking all the liberty he wants to shit on women and say their worst faults. Imagine a pop song with some woman singing about a man beating her and her babies, a nice catchy tune to what happens to your little heart (or hole) when your uncle comes in at night and locks the door behind him- Where? Nowhere.... Because you can't handle that.
Silence. Mindtwistsnapcrack! eyes-go-cold, she's staring at nothing through a black eye and she keeps nursing the baby. I'm here to help, I tell her. I love her.
What is the word for that crazy? What is the word? We must invent it and never let it be spoken to mean anything else but what it must mean to say. What is the word, give me the word.
i have so much fucking hate in my heart tonight.
do a google image search for man. look. what do you see?
do one for woman.
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