Over and over again.

I can't get enough of this song. Guess I'm never the only one feeling this way. Guess girls been doing it since the beginning.



Lyrics:

where are we?
what the hell is going on?
the dust has only just begun to form
crop circles in the carpet
sinking feeling

spin me round again
and rub my eyes,
this can't be happening
when busy streets a mess with people
would stop to hold their heads heavy

hide and seek
trains and sewing machines
all those years
they were here first

oily marks appear on walls
where pleasure moments hung before the takeover,
the sweeping insensitivity of this still life

hide and seek
trains and sewing machines (oh, you won't catch me around here)
blood and tears (hearts)
they were here first

Mmmm whatcha say,
Mmm that you only meant well?
well of course you did
Mmmm whatcha say,
Mmmm that it's all for the best?
of course it is
Mmmm whatcha say?
Mmmm that it's just what we need
you decided this
whatcha say?
Mmmm what did she say?

ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
speak no feeling no I don't believe you
you don't care a bit,
you don't care a bit

(hide and seek)
ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs

(hide and seek)
speak no feeling no i don't believe you
you don't care a bit,
you don't care a (you don't care a) bit

(hide and seek)
oh no, you don't care a bit
oh no, you don't care a bit

(hide and seek)
oh no, you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit

Grace Gets a Bad Haircut!

Best piece about a bad haircut. Ever. Grace, I love thee.

robert anton wilson, terence mckenna

Nature Is Alive! - Terence McKenna

today i had a sad thought- people like robert anton wilson and terence mckenna are so rare. when they die, are they replaced immediately and if not- where the hell are we and how will we make it? today I spent a lot of time with my past heroes, Terence McKenna, Robert Anton Wilson, Wilhelm Reich- angelic beings on earth with the rest of the shitheads, giving their lives to making things better for all shitheads equally. It's inspiring. I spent a lot of time yesterday wishing I lived in a cooler city with less shitheads fully engaged in shitheaded douche-baggery- then I went to D's beautiful garden party picnic and really saw a lot of people that I love here and I was happy. "The more one travels, the less one knows." That could mean that the more we travel, the less we get to know deeply one person or place and that is actual real knowing. Like people who bounce all over Europe visiting hot spots instead of taking time in one location. Or it could mean there is no such thing as real knowing, so the more you travel the better off you are because you start to admit cluelessness. It could mean both at the same time and most times for me, it does. Anyway, here's some RAW for you.

Terence McKenna is important, too! What I love about him is how damn excited he gets about nature. If you haven't yet, read his double book "Archaic Revival and True Hallucinations." He doesn't depress the hell out of you with total doom vision and hopelessness. He makes you fall in love with the world around you all the while giving you warning of what it will mean if we lose it.

(journal: 2-19-09)

(click on images to enlarge.)

temporarily disconnected....

What to say? Therapy is magic. She holds me and says "the life threatening times are now over." Apparently watching your mom almost die three or four times while dating a selfish heroin addict while nursing a best friend through brain damage while struggling through lots of other assorted life issues is a lot to go through in a short period of time. She tells me to treat myself like I "just fell out of an airplane," and it feels good to hear an older, stable woman telling me that yes, I have been through hell, and yes, it gets better, and yes, all of my reactions are normal. So, hi, I'm Davka and I just fell out of an airplane. Davey goes with me everywhere. Sometimes I even hide behind him like a child in grocery stores and on the streets when people and non-natural places feel too intense for me, scary and confrontational. And that's ok and healthy. Sometimes I call him crying and he comes home and rocks me to sleep or washes my hair.

Self-care. Regression. Depression. Elation. Ebb and flow. Mostly writing my story in my journal in pictures because words feel too heady.

Today I saved a pigeon that was stuck in the laundromat, maybe for days. Her feathers were rough and she was very thin. She flew up suddenly from inside of a dryer that I opened and her wingspan was familiar, but not understood to be anything for a few seconds, the delay it took my brain to connect laundromat and bird. A homeless man inside smiled beautifully as I chased her out the door and she cooed in thanks. He went into the bathroom with his one suitcase and combed his silver beard in the mirror.

I saw the heroin addict walk out of a doorway and he looked through me. It hurt deeply. My therapist burnt his name and others in a huge iridescent abalone shell right in her office. She kept the flaming thing in her hand and looked me in the eyes and said repeat after me. I repeated, but that's for me. I will just say my love is childlike and he never loved anything. Isn't that sad?

I dream of him gaunt and sick- a hole into hell burning in his center. I dream of him as an out of body traveler making needle thin journeys into paradise while I watched, curious and jealous, not realizing the danger. I dream of him beautiful and healthy and hanging out on my porch, morning glories and moon flowers opening and closing in synch as day and night approach a synchronicity that we all have been waiting for and everyone I love is there, happy we stuck it through together because togetherness now means survival in the strangest way. I dream of a girl who I'll never have back buying earrings for me and telling me the names of all the stones because she knows of things like that and when I wake up she is mad, as she should be, but for all the wrong reasons. My therapist says see them as people later. Right now they are demonic because they are hurting you. Learn discretion. I tell her, strangely, that's what I named my dollie.

High by the shore, I feel my face melt to bones and I see the grid. It's sick in places. Tired spiders weaving still, slow paced, sick, but no missing patches. Everyone is connected. That's some intense shit for only smoking some "brown frown." I gotta take it easy.

The Life Threatening Times Are Now Over

Oh some things just make me so happy

I am craving non-human friendships. I had mostly non-human friendships growing up on a secluded rural farm and now I don't have many. It's always been strange for me. I think I expect people to be as real and caring and simple and honestly aggressive as animals and when they are all civilized and fucked up, I get confused. I think I will spend the whole weekend hanging out in the woods with my mom's boxer, Sam. Maybe learn some bird songs.